When I Feel Like Hiding

Many times I use this space to process my feelings and to repeat things to myself that I am working on. That’s happening here today.

From the Milk & Cookies post, why the kindest people self-isolate - I’m quoting the parts that spoke to me, but if this is your issue, you know it, and reading the entire post is worthwhile.

this is one reason self-isolation can appear in people who are deeply caring. it is not always driven by dislike of people or a preference for being alone. sometimes the person has become accustomed to entering relationships as the regulator rather than simply another participant.

the distinction is crucial because withdrawal can look like independence when it is actually relief.

someone who spends years being “easy” can begin to experience intimacy as work.

receiving requires revealing a need. asking somebody to show up creates the possibility that they will not. expressing hurt risks being considered difficult. disagreeing introduces the chance that harmony will disappear. staying self-contained solves these problems remarkably efficiently, although the solution becomes expensive because closeness requires some of the vulnerability that self-containment is designed to avoid.

an uneasy kind of loneliness can follow.

a practical place to begin is noticing which interactions leave you exhausted and asking what you were doing internally during them. were you listening while also monitoring how interesting you seemed? were you having dinner while making sure nobody regretted coming? were you disagreeing honestly or trying to make the disagreement painless enough that it barely remained a disagreement?

the next experiment is allowing small amounts of interpersonal inconvenience. choose the restaurant once or tell a trusted friend when something bothered you before the feeling has been polished into harmlessness. ask for a favour that somebody is completely free to refuse.

the relationships worth keeping become easier to identify too. recent work on self-silencing found that perceived security strongly influenced whether people felt able to express themselves, with supportive relationships potentially altering patterns of silence learned elsewhere. a healthy relationship therefore does more than appreciate kindness. it makes room for the person being kind to occasionally be inconvenient.

How I Like To Make Pictures

I love the physicality of photography.

You can throw your whole body into a relationship with the natural world

and come out sweaty, dirty, scratched, stung, with frizzy hair . . .

and realize that you’ve never felt happier.

Anemone

I was excited to see the first anemone bloom in my own flower garden. I didn’t want to cut the flower and “take” the picture, so I experimented with ways to receive the picture in its natural environment. In the early evening, I tried placing a large piece of white paper behind the plant as a background. This gave some really interesting shadows as the last of the day’s sunlight came from the front, directly onto the bloom. The next day, early in the morning, I placed my black cardboard background behind the plant. The light in the morning is softer so there were no shadows on the background. But the flower had less “pop” and the image seemed a little flat, so I converted the picture to black and white to give more contrast. This result was lovely and kind of romantic in an understated way.

I think the color version of the anemone may well find its way into my florilegium project. We’ll see . . .

The Clarity of Black and White

I’ve been tossing around the idea of working with black and white images. I am especially intrigued with the possible ways that color and black and white images might work together in the same body of work. Would this be abrupt and unsettling? Or would the black and white images add an element of surprise and joy? Maybe the black and white images would ground the work, connect the color images to the universal process of seeds to blooms?

These are the kinds of questions that call for creative connection. It can be lonely and limiting working through these considerations all by myself. Having someone to talk through these questions, someone to give a fresh perspective, someone to teach and advise, and encourage. This is what I feel like I need. I’ve signed up for mentoring sessions with an incredibly gifted artist, Sal Taylor Kydd. We’ll start our work together next week, and I am eagerly anticipating the process. This is an investment in myself.